Harry Potter and the Serious Apple Issue
by Melly196
Summary: Harry discovers Malfoy's affair with an apple. My first fic, I'm really bad at summaries. Crack fic. Rated T just because I'm paranoid. Please read and review!
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and I am not making any money out of writing this story**

CHAPTER ONE

Harry was gazing out his window at the Dursley's with a dopey look on his face, thinking about _her. _He couldn't get her out of his head, and tomorrow when he got on the Hogwarts Express, he was going to ask her out. He didn't care what Ron and Hermione thought. They were already that _happy couple._ He wanted them to be the first to know, even before she did, so he wrote to them this morning, telling them of his plans.

Harry saw the figure of two owls growing larger and larger, carrying his friends' replies. When they landed on the bed, Harry ripped open Ron's reply first

_Harry, _it said,

_Are you mental? You can't ask HER out. The whole school will talk about it, and Fred and George, don't even get me started on what they would say._

_Ron_

Harry was expecting this response from Ron, he just doesn't understand. He slowly tore open Hermione's response, hoping it would be more positive.

_Congratulations Harry,_

_I think it is a BRILLIANT idea. Don't let Ron stop you asking her out. Hey I'll tell you what; tomorrow I will keep Ron away from the two of you long enough for you to ask her out. Merlin Harry, she is going to be ecstatic, somehow she got the idea that you don't even know she exists!_

_Hermione_

Harry was pleased with Hermione's response. He knew that she would understand. He couldn't wait till the next morning when he would finally ask her out. He had been planning the moment all summer. He wanted everything to be perfect.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

The next day came far too slowly for Harry's likening. As he walked into King's Cross Station he spotted Ron and Hermione, waiting for him to go onto the platform. "You coming?" he said to them as he approached the barrier between platform nine and ten.

When he got on the other side of the platform, Hermione pointed towards a group of girls and said, "You ready Harry? She is over there."

"Harry, mate, why are you doing this? You can't ask _her_ out," Ron said in a failed attempt to change Harry's mind.

"Ron, drop it, you can't try to stop me, I am asking her out whether you like it or not. I didn't try to stop you asking Hermione out, did I?" Harry asked.

"But it's different," Ron argued.

"No, it's not," Harry said as he walked towards the group of girls.

Harry's heart was pounding as he approached Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood and a group of fifth year girls. "Luna," Harry said to the girl with big blue eyes and long dirty blonde hair, "Can I have a word?"

"Sure," Luna said cheerfully, leading Harry over towards the train, "What is it?"

"Luna, I don't know how to say this, but, well, it's just, I've been feeling this way for a while now, but-"

"Spit it out Harry," Luna interrupted.

"Um, would, you, maybe, possibly, consider, being, being my girlfriend?" Harry finished in a rush.

"Yeah, ok," Luna said, taken aback.

Harry took a deep breath. "Come on, let's go find a compartment." He said taking her hand.

They reached the last compartment, and Harry held the door open for Luna. They went to go inside, but the scene that awaited them inside, stopped them dead in their tracks. They found Draco Malfoy, stroking a big green apple, mouthing the words "I love you" and kissing its smooth skin.

"Well isn't this … nice?" said Luna with an air of mild surprise.

"It-it-it's not what it looks like," stuttered Draco.

"What," Harry started, "it looks like to me is, Draco Malfoy is having an affair with an apple."

"Ok, ok, it is what it looks like, but if you tell anyone Potter, and I mean anyone, I-I-I'll, I'll-"

"What? Stutter at me?" Harry snorted.

"No, I'll tell everyone you're going out with Loony Lovegood," retorted Malfoy.

"Oi-"Luna started, but Harry cut across her.

"You do that," said Harry, grasping Luna's hand.

"What? You mean?" Draco gasped.

"Yes, Luna and I are a couple," Harry said simply.

"What's this all about?" Ron asked, as he and Hermione walked into the compartment.

"Malfoy's having a secret love affair with an apple," Harry said.

"Well, Potter's going out with Loony Lovegood," Malfoy retorted.

"Harry, that's wonderful!" Hermione squealed, "I told you-"Hermione stoped in her tracks, "hold on, what did you say about Malfoy?"

"He's having a love affair with an apple, aren't you Draco?" Harry said.

"I-I-I, um, well, you see," Malfoy started, "Fine, yes I am having an affair with an apple."

Hermione and Ron burst out in fits of laughter.

"I thought you and Luna was the worst relationship that could have been Harry! But this tops it!" Ron laughs.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Malfoy demanded.

"It's, just, I mean Malfoy, why couldn't you find a girl, a human one, to have an affair with, why an apple?" Ron asked.

"Because, Weasley," Malfoy began rather fiercely, "no one understands me like my apple."

Hermione couldn't contain herself any longer and she let out a snort of laughter. "Seriously Malfoy, it sounds as if you asked one girl out and she said no, so you went and bought yourself an apple."

Malfoy shifted uncomfortably in his set.

"You did, didn't you Malfoy? You have to tell us EVERYTHING, or we will tell the WHOLE school you are dating an apple," Ron demanded.

"Ok, well, it was one day over the summer, when I was sitting there, just staring at an apple, thinking, wow, green apples are just so green, and shiny, and smooth. Then I just, I don't know, I started stroking it, and it sort of just happened. We are perfect for each other. I love her and I will never eat her and I will never let anything happen to her," Malfoy said with a dreamy expression on his face.

Luna let out a sigh, and everyone looked at her.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Luna began "I was just thinking how much I would like to see Harry with no clothes on."

"Um – Ok, well, I think we should leave Malfoy and his apple alone and go and find another compartment." Harry said rather awkwardly.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

Harry, Luna, Ron and Hermione went looking for another empty compartment. When they came to one, they all went into it and sat down in silence. After about 10 minutes, Ron finally broke the silence. "What do you think about Draco and an apple," he said quietly.

"I think it could be a result of not being fed enough apples when he was younger, and now he is expressing his feelings in the only way he knows how," said Hermione knowledgably.

"What, by expressing his undying love for an apple, I don't know about you but I don't think I will ever be able to eat another green apple again," Harry said.

"Well, I personally think it is really sad, we have to do something before it gets out of hand," Hermione said bossily.

"Oh come on Hermione, nothing is going to happen," Ron said.

"I wouldn't be so sure," Hermione said darkly.

"Well, I agree with Hermione," Luna piped up, "There is obviously something psychologically wrong with him."

"You can talk," Ron said sarcastically.

"Shut up Ron, if you are not prepared to help us help Malfoy then don't say anything," Hermione snapped.

"What exactly are we trying to get him to do?" Ron asked.

"We have to get him to change, he is obviously a very troubled person," Hermione explained.

"Yeah, but Hermione, you are forgetting something," Harry began, while Hermione looked outraged at the thought she had forgotten something. "For us to help change Malfoy, he has to firstly admit he has a problem, and then he actually has to want to change."

"Like that's gonna happen, seriously Harry, this is Malfoy we are talking about," Ron said.

"I am serious," Harry bit back.

"But you're not Sirius, you're Harry," Ron laughed.

Everyone just looked at Ron and said, "Seriously?"

"Well I had to lighten the mood somehow, anyway, can we stop talking about Malfoy, it's depressing me," Ron said defensively.

"Fine, we are nearly there anyway, we had better get our robes on," Hermione said distantly.

They changed into their robes in silence. Hermione to furious to talk, Ron terrified of upsetting her, Harry not wanting to offend anyone and Luna off in her own little world, probably imagining Harry with no clothes on.

When the train pulled into Hogsmeade Station, Harry, Luna, Ron and Hermione got off the train and walked to the carriages to take them to Hogwarts. It was only when they were all seated that Hermione broke the long silence. "I really think we ought to do something."

"About what?" Ron asked stupidly.

"About Malfoy of course," Hermione said to him, "We have to help him, he can't live life dating an apple, I mean he will be publically ridiculed."

"You sound like a Hufflepuff," Ron said.

"I don't care, I am going to help Malfoy whether you like it or not Ronald," Hermione said loudly.

"I agree with Hermione, I mean, I didn't at first, but now I think she is right, something needs to be done, he will not survive in Slytherin once they find out," Harry said.

"Fine, I will help him, but I will not be happy about it," Ron said.

"Good, tomorrow we begin," Hermione said.

"I hope the sorting doesn't go for too long," said Ron, quickly changing the subject, "I'm starving."

"Is food all you think about?" asked Hermione.

When the carriage pulled up in front of the castle, Ron leaped out like a frog and bounded towards the castle, looking just like Hagrid's dog Fang. Harry, Hermione and Luna got out of the carriage in a more civilised way and followed Ron to the castle.

By the time they got to the Great Hall, Ron was already sitting at the Gryffindor table, with his tongue hanging out of his mouth, in great anticipation for the amazing feast that he was about to shovel into his mouth, just as soon as the sorting was over. Luna went and sat at the Ravenclaw table, while Harry and Hermione sat at the Gryffindor table. "Put your tongue back in Ron!" Hermione snapped at Ron.

"But I'm hungry," wined Ron.

"Ron, you have to watch the sorting first!"

"Well, they should hurry up and sort the first years already!"

The next minute, Professor McGonagall walked into the Great Hall with the sorting hat followed by a long line of first years, all looking petrified. She placed the stool with the sorting hat at the front of the hall, and everyone looked at it intently, when the rip at the brim opened and the hat broke into a song:

_'Well, no doubt you've all hear of me_

_At the beginning of every year_

_All new students try me on_

_And I tell you where you ought to be!_

_Now, some of the older students may think it's a waste of time_

_To watch the sorting before eating_

_But I have other ideas._

_Now just try me on, and I will tell you where you ought to be_

_You may belong in brave old Gryffindor_

_Where dwell the brave of heart_

_Or else in wise old Ravenclaw_

_Where those smart ones will always find there kind_

_Or else in Hufflepuff where dwell the kind of heart_

_Or else in Slytherin where you will always find comfort_

_Now try me on_

_Don't try to hide anything from me_

_For I can see everything_

_So don't be scared_

_You are in safe hands_

_For I am a thinking cap_

_Now before we can eat_

_We have to get the sorting underway_

_Before Ron Weasley withers away into nothing_

_Let the sorting now begin!_

The students broke into applause, Ron rather pink in the face, as Professor McGonagall started reading out the long list of first years, "ABBOT, Louise," Professor McGonagall called out as a small pale girl with long plaits stepped out of the line and started walking nervously towards Professor McGonagall.

"That must be Hannah's sister," Hermione whispered to Ron and Harry.

Professor McGonagall placed the hat on Louise's head and a moment later the hat yelled, "Hufflepuff!"

Cheers erupted from the Hufflepuff table as Louise walked towards the table to sit next to her sister.

"Hurry up," moaned Ron and Professor McGonagall read out the next name on the list, "I'm starving!"

"Ron, shut up, the sorting is the most important part of the feast," Hermione said.

"That's what you think," said Ron rather darkly, "I think it's the food!"

Hermione gave Ron a dark look and turned away to watch the rest of the sorting.

Finally the sorting was finished. Gryffindor acquired 11 more students, 5 girls and 6 boys. Professor Dumbledore stood up, opened his arms wide and said, "Welcome to our new students, to our old students, welcome back. There is a time for notices, but now is not the time, now is the time to eat!"

"Hear, hear," said Ron loudly.

Professor Dumbledore sat down and food appeared on the tables. Ron grabbed everything in his reach, lamb chops, mint humbugs, roast potato, chicken legs and potato salad. Ron shovelled food into his mouth like there was not tomorrow. "Harry, we really do have to do something about Malfoy," Hermione said.

"Hermione, can it wait, I'm kind of busy now," Harry replied turning back to Nearly-Headless-Nick.

"No, it can't wait, he is our friend, we need to help him," Hermione retorted angrily.

Ron choked on the massive mouth full of food he had in his mouth, "Malfoy, our _friend? _Since when?"

"Well, maybe he isn't our friend, but we still need to help him."

"We'll wait till after the feast Hermione, when we get back to the Common Room we can come up with a plan," Harry said wearily.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

When the feast was over and everyone had gone back to their common rooms, Harry, Ron and Hermione gathered together in the comfy chairs in front of the fire. "Hermione, why is it important that we help Malfoy?" Ron asked, "I mean, we aren't even friends with him, we have NEVER been friends with him."

"Something has obviously psychologically scared him, to be having an affair with an apple, we need to figure out what it is so we can help him get past it and have an affair with a girl, maybe Ginny," Hermione said.

Ron looked outraged, "Why _my _sister, that filthy basted isn't going any near my sister!" Ron yelled.

"Calm your farm Ron, he will be a new man when we have finished with him," Hermione said.

"What exactly are we going to do to him? Brain wash him? Oh yeah, sure, let's go hug dragons while we're at it," Ron said outraged.

"No, I don't mean brain wash him at all Ron, I just mean, make him talk to us, get right to the problem," Hermione said calmly.

"Yeah, how do you propose doing that? Give him veritaserum?" Ron asked.

"No, Ron that's _illegal_ we need him to trust us, make him feel like he can talk to us. I mean, what's the worst he can do to us? What's the worst he can say?"

"Well, I'm not too sure the worst he can say, but the worst he can do to us, that's a whole other conversation which I don't feel like having right now," Ron said.

"Well, if you don't want to help us, fine, don't Harry and I will do it, won't we Harry?" Hermione asked.

"Well, Hermione, Ron, he, does, he, kind of, he-" Harry started.

"Oh, spit it out Harry," Hermione interrupted him.

"Hermione, Ron kind of does have a point, I mean, what makes you think he is going to trust us like that," he clicked his fingers, "We have been enemies since the day we started at Hogwarts, I don't think anything is going to be able to change that."

"Fine, don't help me, Luna will help me," Hermione said as she stormed off.

"Sometimes I really don't know what I see in that girl, I really wonder sometimes," Ron said quietly as he and Harry started towards the staircase that takes them up to their dormitories.

The next day at breakfast, Hermione didn't sit with Ron and Harry, she instead sat at the Ravenclaw table with Luna. "I wonder what she's doing," Ron said to Harry.

"Probably planning some sort of intervention for Malfoy," Harry replied. "You know Ron; I think Hermione actually does have a point."

"WHAT!" Ron yelled, "Last night you said that _I _had a point, and now you are saying that _she _has a point."

"Ron, listen to me, I think maybe Malfoy does have some serious issues, and something really does have to happen." Harry said.

"Fine, go play intervention with Malfoy, Luna and Hermione, see if I care!" Ron yelled and stormed off.


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

Harry approached the Ravenclaw table a little apprehensively after Ron stormed out of the hall. Luna got up and greeted him with a hug, while Hermione greeted him with a stern nod. "Hermione, I have decided I am going to help you," Harry said.

Hermione's eyes lit up at once, "That's great Harry, Luna and I have just been formulating-"

"Harry! Hermione! Luna! I need to talk to you NOW!" Malfoy screamed as he came running over to the table. He grabbed their hands and dragged them out of the hall and into a broom cupboard.

"Let go of me right now, if you want to live," Harry growled at Malfoy.

"I'm sorry," Malfoy started hysterically, "but-but-but- MY APPLE HAS BEEN STOLEN!"

"Oh," Harry said, not sure what to say, "well, don't worry about it, I'm sure there is another one in the Great Hall you can have." Malfoy let out a cry like an injured apple.

"HARRY!" Hermione scolded, "Don't worry Draco; we will help you find your apple."

"Thank you!" Malfoy exclaimed through his tears. "We need to leave at once, she could be anywhere by now!"

"Wait, what? Where are we going?" Hermione said.

"There's no time to explain, go and get Ron, and meet me back here," Malfoy said quickly before he took off out of the cupboard.

"What did you just agree to Hermione?" Harry asked.

"I really don't know, we had better go and get Ron though I suppose," Hermione replied.

"I think it will be an adventure," Luna piped out unexpectedly.

Half-a-hour later, Harry, Luna, Hermione and a very unwilling Ron meet Malfoy in the Entrance Hall. "Good, you're all here," Malfoy greeted them. "We have to go into the Forbidden Forest; I think that is where she has been taken."

"Wait, Malfoy, you do realise the Forbidden Forest is, well FORBIDDEN," Ron said, obviously unwilling to go.

"I think we need to come up with code names," Malfoy said, completely ignoring Ron. "Potter, you can be Scarhead, Granger, you can be Beaver, Lovegood, you can be Loony, Weasley, you can be Weasel, and I'll be-"

"How about ferret?" Ron suggested.

Harry, sensing a possible fight on the horizon quickly changed the subject, "Are we going or not?"

"Oh, yes, this way," Malfoy said.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

An hour later, Harry, Luna, Ron, Hermione and Malfoy and walking in the Forbidden Forest, searching for Malfoy's apple. "Are you sure it's here Malfoy? We have been walking for ages and we still haven't found it." Ron asked.

"Yes, of course it's here, just a little further, you see the smoke in the sky, I'm sure it's over there," Malfoy said.

"If you say so Malfoy," Ron said dismissively.

"Look, over there!" Hermione exclaimed. Everyone looked to the direction that Hermione was pointing. "My apple!" Exclaimed Malfoy.

"If you think we are going over there, and fighting a dragon, just to get you an apple, you're wrong Malfoy," Ron said.

"Please guys, you don't know how much this means to me," Malfoy pleaded.

"Fine, but if one of us dies, you're dead Malfoy, understand? DEAD!" Harry said.

The group approached the dragon, "Ron, I think you should distract it," Hermione said.

"Why?" Ron asked, outraged.

"You're good with dragons," Hermione encouraged.

"Fine," Ron said resentfully as he approached the dragon.

"Ok, while Weasley distracts the dragon, Potter can go and rescue my apple," Malfoy said.

"Why do I have to go and rescue your stupid apple Malfoy?" Harry asked.

"I might get killed, and then I will never be able to be with my apple," Malfoy replied.

"Yeah, and what if _I_ get killed?" Harry asked impatiently.

"Better you than me," Malfoy said. "Look, Potter, if you don't go and rescue my apple, no one is leaving here."

"Fine," Harry retorted, "Luna, if I die, do me a favour and kill Malfoy for me. Oh, and I love you."

"Love you too Harry," Luna responded.

It was a fierce battle between Harry, Ron and the dragon. Ron was doing a good job of distracting it, until Harry successfully retrieved the apple. As Harry was running back to the other, the dragon spotted him, and went straight to him. "Malfoy, catch!" Harry screamed as he threw the apple.

"My apple! Its ok baby, I'm here, don't worry, that mean old dragon can't get you now," Malfoy said reassuring his apple.

"Oh, yeah, don't worry about me, I'm fine, it's not like this dragon is eating my arm or anything," Harry screamed out in pain as the dragon latched onto his arm.

"Don't worry Harry, I'll save you!" Luna screamed as she jumped into action, creating a sword and stabbing the dragon in the roof of his mouth with it.

The dragon howled in pain, as it slowly walked backward, until it collapsed and died. "Hermione, can you save my arm?" Harry desperately asked.

"Harry, I – I don't think I can," Hermione said in tears, "it's just too damaged."

"Don't worry Hermione, I'll be fine without it," Harry said as he passed out from blood loss.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

The next day, Hermione, Ron, Malfoy and Luna were visiting Harry in the hospital wing.

"Does it hurt?" Luna asked.

"Not really," Harry replied.

"You know Malfoy, I could kill you right now," Ron said angrily.

"W-w-why?" Malfoy stuttered.

"Because of you, Harry is here, with one arm, he'll never play Quidditch again!" Ron said.

"At least then Slytherin will win," Malfoy said.

"That's it, you had your chance," Ron yelled, as he leant over Harry to pick up Malfoy's apple.

"Hey, that my apple, no, don't hurt her!" Malfoy screamed as Ron took a huge bite and gave it back to Malfoy.

"What am I going to do now? You killed her, you murdering scum!" Malfoy screamed. "I'm going to get you Ronald Weasley!"


End file.
